Some Reflections

It's late, and I should be sleeping. But it's one of those things, sleep or personal time. Op-cost. Some days I just decide to forgo some sleep and catch up on things like checking email and blogging. Not very material things at all, but it just gives me a sense of having personal time - something I really don't have a lot of. I'd love to have time to exercise, to go for dance, to watch a movie...but when I think of what I give up my personal time for, raising Asher, it's really worth the sacrifice.

Time is flying. My maternity leave had ended late March and I had applied for three months unpaid leave to take care of Asher. There's no one else to care for him, and I really didn't want to put him in infantcare too early. But these three months feel so short! My leave is evaporating really quickly, and 1st July (my back to work date) is fast approaching!

This period has been, and while it lasts will still be, such a precious, precious time for me. I'll never get to devote so much time to Asher again, and the thought of the spending so much time away from Asher when I go back to work is something that saddens me. I guess I'll need weaning from him as much as he'll need weaning from me when he starts infantcare. Someone also shared that when her baby started infantcare, she felt that there was a distancing in her relationship with her baby, simply because her baby was learning to be more independent. I guess when you send your kid to infantcare, you'll have to deal with separation issues earlier. I do hope that even though Asher goes to infantcare, our bond will stay strong and intimate.

I'll also miss all the time spent breastfeeding. I haven't had the easiest of times with breastfeeding, and it's been a labour of love. There's been, and there still are, some difficulties with breastfeeding, but overall it's totally been worth the effort. I may not get much time on my own (if any) away from Asher, but I appreciate how I have to stop and take time every now and then to just be close to him, to pause, to reconnect. And especially now that he's more interactive and aware, I can joke with him as he feeds. I love how he'll unlatch every now and then to give me a huge smile and show off his gums, and he'll even add a laugh or chuckle, then latch on again to continue feeding, all the while looking into my eyes ;) He also likes explore my face with his hands as he nurses. It truly warms my heart to think that he really likes me and feels a close bond with me.

I'm not sure how long I can continue breastfeeding after I start work, but I hope to keep up at least the evening feed for as long as possible. I have to remind myself not to feel any guilt should it not be possible to breastfeed him any longer. I've already reached my goal of breastfeeding for at least 6 months. Anything more is really a bonus. I will remind myself not to feel guilt, and not to let people guilt me.

I've done my best, and I think so far, by God' grace, I've done a pretty decent job. But really, I always remind myself that doing my best is all I can do, and everything else is up to God. Afterall, I am only a steward of Asher. Asher, you belong to the Lord!